That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
