Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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