Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
