I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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