YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
