i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
