I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
