I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
