yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
