I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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