If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
false alarm. still invincible.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
