Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
