Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
