he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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