Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This house was built for laser tag.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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