He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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