hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
