You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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