In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
