threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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