If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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