His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
