Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
