Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
