Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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