I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
