dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Define "chronic" masturbator.
from now on my penis is your penis
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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