Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
