Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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