What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
