Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
