just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
