I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
