he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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