Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
