his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
