she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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