god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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