i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
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