on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
