I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Even my vagina gasped.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
