Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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