He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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