you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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