his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
