2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
