you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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