I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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