i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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