Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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