Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
