i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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