my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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