Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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