im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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