just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
