Your dad touched me again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
