I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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